I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
