I'm eating all of the evidence.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
