I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
