even my farts smell like vagina
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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