I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
