The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
