I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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