I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Pants are for mortals
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
