I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
