The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
