dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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