I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
