I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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