Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
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