He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
