i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
