well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
We are two peas in an std pod
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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