i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
