i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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