Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
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