i think my tv is drunk
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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