so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
