just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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