Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Randomize
