I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize