this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
