: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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