im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Randomize
