The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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