Got a toothbrush?
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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