ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I could make wine with my vomit
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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