and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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