my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Randomize
