I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Come share oat with me in your robe
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
