Your tits are I can't wait for
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
