I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize