So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
