The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
