Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
