Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
