I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
