Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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