I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
