Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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