he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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