youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
ttyl tear gas
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
