Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You have to summon your inner elephant
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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