I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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