well most of my day revolves around power hour
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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