Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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