if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
