Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
