It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
