I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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