Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I forget how to act sober
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
