Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
