apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Everclear isn't food dammit
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
