he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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