I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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