I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
