my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
