I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
