i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
